From Suicide to the VA: The Night Everything Broke and Began

How one night of despair—and a broken system—led me to recovery and to building a community for veterans like me.

Trigger Warning: This essay contains frank discussion of military sexual trauma, suicidal ideation, psychiatric hospitalization, and mistreatment within the VA system. Please take care while reading.

“I fought with myself over that call. So much of me wanted to be dead. Then I dropped to my knees and asked God for help. And He did. I made the call—and that’s one of the reasons I’m still here today.”

Soon after discharge, I started experiencing abdominal pain. I went to the VA. It was chaotic—veterans standing in line, pissed off. The line curved around the room, barely enough space to stand. The irritation and anger in the air was palpable. I felt it. It hyped me up. Now I was agitated and in pain.

I finally got called back to an exam room. I’m sitting there, waiting—always waiting back then. A nurse comes in, looks at me, and tells me I’ll have to wait in the waiting room. Only my husband is allowed in the exam room. I said, “I’m the veteran.” “I’m the veteran” was something women used …