I Was in Before Tailhook. I Know What Comes Next
A Pentagon memo just reminded me of the silence we were trained to accept — and what it cost us.
The Gist: The Pentagon’s new memorandum on sexual harassment promises change. But it comes from the same command culture that ignored us, blamed us, and told us to stay quiet. Words on paper won’t fix what silence protected for decades.
I enlisted in the Navy in January 1983 and served until December 1990. Back then, sexual harassment wasn’t just common—it was expected, normalized, and ignored. Your options were: adapt, shut up, or get out. I adapted.
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The First Command
I was an E-3 or E-4 at my first command. The Chief put me on mids. I got off shift around 21:00, and the last bus to the barracks left at 21:00. Every night, he’d find “one more thing” for me to do. And every night, he’d say, “Don’t worry—I’ll give you a ride home.”
Eventually, one of those rides home took a detour. “I’ve got to stop by the Lieutenant’s house,” he said. When we arrived, the Lieutenant and his wife opened the door. I thought, “Okay—his wife’s here. This might be alright.”
They invited us in and offered drinks. I declined and sat quietly while they made small talk. Something felt off. Then the Lieutenant turned to me and asked how I was doing.
I told him I just wanted to get back to my barracks. That chilled the room. The Lieutenant looked at the Chief and said, “Sounds like you need to get her home.” And he did.
That was the last time I missed the bus. But it wasn’t the last time that Chief cornered me at work, showing me what he claimed were photos of his genitals.
At that same command, another sailor slapped my butt as I left a room. He immediately apologized—said he didn’t know why he did it. I told him, “Don’t ever do that again—to me or any other female. If you do, I’ll make it my mission to report you.”
He never did it again. And he was always professional from that point on.
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“Do You Feel Sexually Harassed?”
The Navy, trying to act like it cared, sent senior officers to conduct a sexual harassment “investigation.” We stood in formation. One officer walked down the line asking each sailor, “Do you feel sexually harassed?”
Each one said no. When he got to me—last in line—I said no, too.
That’s how it was.
Later, at that same command, I was assaulted. I didn’t report it. I didn’t tell anyone. I told myself it didn’t happen and for awhile it didn’t—until it did.
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Second Command
When I arrived at my next command, the Chief’s welcome started with: “I don’t like women in my Navy. I don’t like your rate. And don’t even think about getting pregnant.”
This was the Navy’s idea of professionalism in the late ’80s.
The ratios weren’t any better. Maybe 5 to 8 enlisted women in a sea of 300 men. Our head still had urinals in it. Eventually, I got to know some of the guys, and I convinced them to tear the urinals out and repaint the space. I scrounged lockers and a couch to make it ours.
On duty, I’d sit through revolting stories—usually about strippers in the Philippines. These weren’t quiet locker room whispers. The point was for me to hear every detail. My standard response was always no response. I gave them nothing.
The same command that didn’t care if we were assaulted. The same command that called me “God Dammit” and my last name for a year—never by rank. I was an E-5 and I came in with perfect performance reviews. None of that mattered if you were female. You had to prove yourself all over again.
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“Wanna Get in the Car?”
The lieutenant at my second command took a liking to me. It was obvious enough that the other officers noticed. At the Christmas party, he pressed up behind me and asked if I’d “like a little Italian in me.”
I kept my distance after that.
One morning, I saw another sailor who was shipping out. I walked over to say goodbye. He invited me into his car and suggested I could help “get the wrinkles out” of a certain body part.
This wasn’t rare. It was normal.
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And Then Came Tailhook
In 1991, the Tailhook scandal blew up. Suddenly, the Navy pretended to take this seriously. But I already knew the truth. Most of us did.
I still remember standing in that line, being asked if I felt sexually harassed—and saying no. Because you had to survive the day, not make a point.
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And Now?
Now, the new Secretary of War has issued a set of memoranda, signed just hours after a presidential speech to military leaders. These memos say the quiet part out loud.
DEI and EO programs are now “under review.”
“Corrosive cultural influences” are to be reversed.
Military personnel are told to embrace the “warrior ethos”—but only a certain kind.
Traditionalism, not fairness, is the new North Star.
These memoranda don’t restore order. They strip away hard-fought protections and replace them with a wink and a nod to the old ways.
The same ways I lived through.
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Brothers and sisters—be safe. Protect yourselves. Protect each other. Document everything in a paper notebook that no one has access to. There will be a time for you to speak your truth, and that notebook will be invaluable.